I just read a blog at Kristins place. She and David finally were able to adopt after several years. Baylie is her name. She is beautiful and a different race. Kristin realizes that this will affect her beautiful baby and is pondering the racial tensions in this country.
I watch closely my dear, dear friends EM. They have been married for 6 years. No children. I know it is not by choice. I know that there is sadness and longing for behind their kind eyes. They don't say a word however and keep it private.
Recently, I walked into a room at church and knew immediately upon seeing my friend Kim that she was experiencing death-the loss of a 17 week pregnancy. I recognized the absolute grief, fear and confusion that were in her eyes and in her shoulders. I only know because it took me back to my own experiences with the same death.
All of this makes me reflect on my own experience with babies. In the first 5 years of marriage - 4 miscarriages. Months and sometimes years of infertility between pregnancies. Such sadness and longing and feeling 'ripped off'. Then 5 pregnancies over 10 years that worked. I did feel joy but I didn't know a body could be that sick-feeling on the brink of death-for so long. I didn't know if I would survive or if I wanted too. Why was this so hard? Why did I do it so many times? Why? I guess because the longing and desire won out. I guess because I experienced death of a little one who I didn't even hold. I guess because they called to me and told me they were worth it and please do it for them. They reminded me in my dreams.
I want to hold Jack Foster close and say welcome to this beautiful world. I want to hold Kristin and let her know that she will do this! She will protect her daughter from the injustices and unkindnesses of this world and God will protect her little soul from breaking. I want to shout out to EM talk to me! I know! I understand! Keep trying for that little one. I want tell Kim again-I'm sorry!
I look around at my munchkins-grateful for their chaos, tantrums and love. I wish I was brave enough to do it again. But I'm not. I asked in prayer that the dreams stop. That my 9 pregnancies be enough. The dreams stopped. I think I'll go visit Jack Foster!