Renewal

So, I've been in a funk lately due to my ankle surgery...long story short-I broke my ankle 11 months ago and I've had problems with it everyday since that fateful July 11th, 2007. Finally had to have surgery 8 weeks ago and it has been very difficult. Mainly because I'm a mother of 5 children, homeschool, try to overachieve in all sorts of areas and this being down for months has really challenged me mentally.

I've spent a lot of time online checking out blogs. I have to say that I've found 3 that have truly been lifesaving:

trust the children, nurtured by love, confessions of a pioneer woman

When I say lifesaving, I genuinely mean that. It's been more productive than therapy, I'm sure. For these people to let me sneak into their lives and help me let go, become, cry, make new goals and just be okay with what is happening has been great.

Pioneer woman is soooo great. She loves her husband soo much that it makes me want to shout from the rooftops: I love my husband too! This ankle has been such a strain on our family and our marriage-I've become very, very negative because of how little I have done to contribute to our family and to be honest, I feel incredibly guilty for everything that has fallen on hubby's shoulders. He seems to be fine with it. I, however am not! Thus the strain.

Ree (pioneer woman) has re-kindled my desire to be more loving and vocal about it. To remember that hubby is the greatest thing in this world and that I adore him! Ree loves her life! I love my life! I have forgotten how much I love my life (ankle ya' know) I am going to try to mimic Ree's example until it becomes my own.

If you read this-which I know that there are two people that do (thanks Kim and Rebecca) head over to pioneerwoman-read their love story. It's fantastically fun and I laughed out loud several times! She's also a fantastic photographer-makes me want to put on some cowboy boots, ride a horse and go wrestle a calf! Yee Haw!

Baby Thoughts

I just received a phone call from Joe. He and Beck just had a baby. A beautiful big boy named Jack Foster. That is a great name.

I just read a blog at Kristins place. She and David finally were able to adopt after several years. Baylie is her name. She is beautiful and a different race. Kristin realizes that this will affect her beautiful baby and is pondering the racial tensions in this country.

I watch closely my dear, dear friends EM. They have been married for 6 years. No children. I know it is not by choice. I know that there is sadness and longing for behind their kind eyes. They don't say a word however and keep it private.

Recently, I walked into a room at church and knew immediately upon seeing my friend Kim that she was experiencing death-the loss of a 17 week pregnancy. I recognized the absolute grief, fear and confusion that were in her eyes and in her shoulders. I only know because it took me back to my own experiences with the same death.

All of this makes me reflect on my own experience with babies. In the first 5 years of marriage - 4 miscarriages. Months and sometimes years of infertility between pregnancies. Such sadness and longing and feeling 'ripped off'. Then 5 pregnancies over 10 years that worked. I did feel joy but I didn't know a body could be that sick-feeling on the brink of death-for so long. I didn't know if I would survive or if I wanted too. Why was this so hard? Why did I do it so many times? Why? I guess because the longing and desire won out. I guess because I experienced death of a little one who I didn't even hold. I guess because they called to me and told me they were worth it and please do it for them. They reminded me in my dreams.

I want to hold Jack Foster close and say welcome to this beautiful world. I want to hold Kristin and let her know that she will do this! She will protect her daughter from the injustices and unkindnesses of this world and God will protect her little soul from breaking. I want to shout out to EM talk to me! I know! I understand! Keep trying for that little one. I want tell Kim again-I'm sorry!

I look around at my munchkins-grateful for their chaos, tantrums and love. I wish I was brave enough to do it again. But I'm not. I asked in prayer that the dreams stop. That my 9 pregnancies be enough. The dreams stopped. I think I'll go visit Jack Foster!

An Aha! Moment

DARN!!~I just wrote a great post about soul searching and DRATS! if it didn't dissapear. Well...I'm not re-writing it. But the gist of it is: ankle surgery = relaxed schedule=unschooling=peace=new way of life=fear=courage=help=Nurtured by Love blog and Trust the children blog=here we go!

Changes & Homeschooling

Well...my family has homeschooled off and on for the past 8 years. I've always been a structured homeschooler...using a complete curriculum package and it's always been great. Since bringing the three kids back home this past winter...the same old same old isn't working. It's not working easily for me and not effective for a couple of my children. So...for the first time in my adventures of homeschooling I'm doing some serious re-evaluating. What do I keep? What do I throw out? How much trust do I give to my childrens ability to learn? How much do I trust myself without everything being planned out for me? I think that if I can let go we will thrive! I pray I can let go!

Twilight

Since I have so much down time on my hands, I reread Stephenie Meyer's 'Twilight' series over the past three days. One day for each book. It's my 4th time reading Twilight. My second time reading New Moon and Eclipse. I love, love, love these books. I love the way Edward and Bella have rescued each other and because of that they have become completely different beings. I love the willingness that Edward puts forth to listen to and understand Bella. In fact, he must know what she is thinking or he is driven crazy. I love the fact that Bella is able to have immense amounts of love for her parents even though they haven't parented her. She is willing to give her life to save theirs. Shows amazing amounts of forgiveness and understanding. I love that Edward challenges Bella often. I love Jacob. "Edward is a drug! You can't live without him. But I am your air and sun...choose me!" That was the line that stuck with me today as I was finishing up Eclipse. I choose the Jacob in my life to marry. I'm so, so excited for the fourth book to come out. I can't wait for the movie and I've been spending time looking at sites dedicated to Twilight. It's actually really fun . I guess I'm taking advantage of my down time and roaming on the computer in ways I won't be able to when I'm back on my feet.

The power of Taco Soup

So I'm sitting here on the computer trying to edit my blog to make it look more interesting. I'm actually sitting in my recliner with my foot up-feeling very unproductive and maybe a little sorry for myself. I look out and see the Big Van pull up. I call it the Big Van because the family that drives it has 7 children under the age of 10. The mom, Laura is a fabulous chef, decorator, organizer, mother and the list goes on and on. Such admirable qualities that I strive to possess. Well.... in walks Laura (mom) who says "I've brought you lunch!" She proceeds to find a bowl for me, and pulls out of a large brown bag-tied with a ribbon no less- the base of taco soup and then opens up a box. From this box she adds chicken, black beans, corn, green onions, cheese, tortilla strips and says "Enjoy! "

Now that is a moment of pure kindness, service and love! I truly feel as if Heaven is watching over me and I feel very, very blessed right now and not so sorry for myself anymore. Yesterday I actually was thinking how helpful it would be to have someone bring me lunch. I'm so grateful that Laura is sensitive to the spirit and listens and follows through. I feel very, very loved. Besides Laura is one of the best cooks I know and taco soup from her is better than any restaurant anywhere!

I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the whole wide world!!! The power of Taco Soup!

Good Intentions

So, I've been reading a couple of interesting blogs lately and feel like I should participate for my own 'journaling' sake. I think it would be cool to print my blog every year into a book and keep a record for my family...so...we'll see if I can stick with this more consistantly than scrapbooking, journaling and the like.

My mom never called back to let me help her set up a blog, which to be honest I was kind of bummed about. I think she would have thoroughly enjoyed documenting their three month long vacation in Hawaii. and I would have thoroughly enjoyed helping her but it didn't happen. So... I'm going to use the intended blog space as my own.

Frustrating for everyone I'll be jumping back and forth until I get a rhythm going with this blog :)
But it may be only for myself so not frustrating at all.

Right now I'm recovering from ankle surgery which I had 9 days ago. I can't use my right leg in any way for 6 entire weeks. This is not fun or easy. So...I'm hanging around an awful lot-not moving a lot. I imagine if I use some time wisely, I'll get quite a bit posted. This is where my Good Intentions come in...wish me luck!